Breathing Black Read online

  “Max found me,” I said, looking back at him. “We became close friends and I guess one day he figured our banter would be just as entertaining on the air. He really didn’t know what he was signing up for. I owe him a lot though. He saved me from going through with law school and a horrible waitress job.”

  “Law school?” He turned his body toward me, eager to hear more.

  “Yeah …” I chewed on my lip, the warmth of his fingertip touching my leg made me lose my train of thought.

  “What type of law?”

  “Criminal.” I wanted to stop there, but he nudged me with his broad shoulder, wanting to know more. “I guess at one point in my life I was obsessed with the thought I could find justice for those who didn’t have wealth and power behind their name. Like some legal vigilante or something.” I laughed, a little embarrassed.

  “Sounds personal.” He put his other arm across the back of the seat.

  “You could say that.”

  “What made you change your mind?”

  “It became unhealthy instead of healing.” I shifted in my seat, tugging at my dress. He noticed and quickly changed the topic. Not like it helped; trying to avoid topics that made me squirm would leave us talking about music and the weather.

  “So, tell me about the Bronco. What made a girl like you want to drive something like that?” He smirked, bringing the conversation to where we started in our office parking lot. Although this time I wasn’t pissed off.

  “The truth?” I looked at him and he nodded. “Well, the truth is the only picture I have of my father is of him standing next to the ‘Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas’ sign. Parked next to him in the picture is a red Bronco just like mine.” I looked down at my hands. “I guess you can call me nostalgic. I dreamed about having a Bronco just like him my entire life, and when I finally saved up enough cash, I bought one for myself.”

  “The only picture you have? Do you know your father?”

  “I know his name is Anthony and that my mother met, married, and left him in Las Vegas. I was an accident,” I said, pointing to myself, “and apparently he shared the same delusional obsession with fortune and fame as my mother. I found the photo during one of our moves and my mom told me I could keep it as long as I never asked about him again.”

  “I’m so sorry, I couldn’t imagine not knowing my father.” His brows furrowed; he was weighing the thought in his mind trying to find relatable compassion. Most people never had to imagine such things. Nor should they.

  “It’s okay.” I smiled at his appropriate response. “Not knowing him means I get to picture him as anything I want him to be. A humanitarian who selflessly helps others, or maybe he’s a doctor that saves lives and delivers babies.” I almost started laughing at my incredulous thoughts, who the hell was I kidding? If he was involved with my mother, he’s probably in prison or dead. “Are you close with your father?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

  “Yeah, I am,” he said robotically with a small smile that waivered.

  I nodded. Maybe time hadn’t changed everything.

  I looked out the window as we pulled up to our first destination. I didn’t think I’d be coming back here so soon. William opened our door and Landon stepped out first, slowly taking in his surroundings before helping me out of the car. His body was ridged in a cautious stance, like he didn’t want me to get out.

  “This won’t take long,” I said for both of their benefits, placing my hand on Landon’s arm. William nodded and hurried back into the driver’s side shutting and locking the door. I couldn’t help but laugh.

  “This is my old place. My best friend June and I moved here a few months after we got to Salt Lake City.” I looked over at his face and winced a little at the expression he was clearly trying to compose.

  “Oh, it wasn’t that bad.” I nudged him with my elbow, he grabbed it pulling me gently toward him, then wrapped his arms around me. I wasn’t sure if it was more for warmth or protection, but I guess I didn’t care either way, because I felt both. I looked around the complex and everything remained the same. It had the same barred up windows, same graffiti, and I still got that same uneasy feeling that made me constantly look over my shoulder.

  “We both came here with pennies to our name but we were able to save up money, go to school, and make a new life for ourselves out here.”

  His warm breath near my neck caused chills to cover my skin. Trying to stay focused, I continued, “I officially know how to replace a garbage disposal, caulk anything and everything, pepper spray someone, and patch up bullet holes in dry wall,” I said lightheartedly, but I could feel his body tense up at the words.

  “You actually lived here. This isn’t a joke?”

  “Yes, I actually lived here.” I turned to face him. “Listen, I didn’t bring you here for sympathy or that look you’re giving me right now.” He wiped the scowl off his face. “It’s just a part of who I am and, I’m using your words here, what’s defined me.”

  He paused for a second and took my hands in his. “Thank you for sharing it with me,” he said softly.

  “Even though this looks horrible, and some days it truly was, it was better than where I was before … figuratively speaking.”

  Right then I heard a door creak open and a soft voice say, “Larkin, is that you?” I turned toward the single-level apartments where the southern drawl came from and immediately started running up the steps.

  “Kathy? What are you doing here?” I realized I was yelling and finished my sentence in a more hushed but still pissed off tone. “You promised to leave! Where’s Ray?”

  “I know … I know,” she said, embracing me in a hug, “He’s still in jail and hasn’t been ’round since that night. It should stay that way for a while ’nless his stupid cop brother gets him out on bail again.”

  I pulled her out of the hug with my hands still on her shoulders, looking her over. Black and blue bruises covered her face and arms. Her dark eyes were still swollen and the deep cuts on her cheeks and lips had barely started to scab. The night I found her I thought she was dead. Her clothes still hung off her frail and broken body, but for once she stood a little taller and the uneasiness that came along with Ray’s presence wasn’t there.

  “Kat, you need to get out of here. How long do you think they’ll keep him?”

  “Not sure. Cops said they’d notify me. I’ve got a restraining order and—”

  “You know that’s not going to do anything!” I said, cutting her off.

  “I know. I’m workin’ on it. I’ve got an aunt in Kentucky who said the kids and I can come stay until I get back on my feet. I’ve just got to get us there. I’ve got people showing up left and right sayin’ Ray owes them money.”

  “Yeah, and by people you mean dealers. Shit, Kat! I know how ruthless they can be until they get paid.” I started rummaging through my purse. “How much to get you to Kentucky?”

  “Larkin, you’re NOT givin’ me any more money. You’ve done enough already!” She stepped back, putting her hands up in refusal, tears welling up in her eyes.

  “How much?” I said, stubborn yet calm, as I pulled out my checkbook and pen, placing it up against the frame of the torn screen door so I could write.

  “I’ll rip it up. You’re not doin’ this for me. I’ll be outta here in six months tops.” She shook her head adamantly.

  “And what happens if Ray gets out before then? He beat you within an inch of your life last time. The first thing he’s going to do when he’s released is come after you. You’re smarter than this. Don’t worry about the damn money.” I ripped out the check and held it out to her, “Please, Kathy, if nothing else do it for your kids. Pack your stuff tomorrow and leave.”

  “I can’t do this. You’ve worked so hard to get out of here.” She started sobbing as I grabbed her hand and placed the check in her palm. I was completely draining my bank account, leaving only enough to get me through to my next paycheck.

  “It’s not much but it sh
ould be enough to get food, a moving van, and gas. If you don’t cash this check tomorrow, I’ll show up with a moving van myself.”

  “I know you will,” she said in a defeated voice, touching my hand as I wiped a tear from her bruised cheek. “I’ll call you first thing when I get there.”

  “You better. Kiss those babies for me, okay? And be safe.” I gave her one last hug and hurried back to Landon, who was still waiting outside the town car with his arms folded and a troubled look on his face.

  He was silent, staring out the window, serious and contemplating, as we drove to the next address I gave William. The only other noise besides my nervous spit swallowing was the clicking sound of Landon twisting his watch. “I’ll have my assistant contact Kathy in the morning and arrange for flights and transportation. I also know a moving company that I’ll send over to start packing her things; they’ll deliver everything to Kentucky,” he said, turning to look at me. “I just need Kathy’s phone number.”

  “How much of our conversation did you hear?” My heart dropped into my stomach.

  “All of it.” His eyes looked back and forth into mine.

  I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers to my temple. I wasn’t really thinking of him eavesdropping; my entire concern was why the hell Kat was standing there when she’d promised to get out of town.

  “Landon, you don’t need to get involved. I already took care of it. I’m sorry that I even took you there. I shouldn’t have.”

  “I’m not sorry,” he stated. “Please let me do this for you … and for her.” I could feel the change in his mood. It had become as serious as his suit. “My father has been planning his upcoming political career for over a decade and knows practically every authoritative figure from California to New York City, including the Salt Lake police chief and a handful of judges. He owes me a favor so I’ll have him look into Ray’s bail and see what he can find out.”

  “I’ll accept your offer of looking into his parole, because I know he’ll kill her if he finds her. But I’ve given her enough money to at least get out of town. I don’t want you involved and I especially don’t want the night to be about this. Can we try to forget about it, at least for tonight?”

  “Yes, but I …” He twisted his watch, thinking over whatever he was about to say. “I just can’t believe you lived in a place like that. I know you didn’t know your father, but what about your mother? Have you always lived in poverty?”

  “Poverty?” I laughed. “That was not poverty and I’m not a charity case. Believe me, living in that apartment was the beginning of the end of my problems,” I snapped, insulted by his honesty.

  Now I remembered why I liked to be alone. I didn’t like people helping me and knowing my business. Judging me. I was stupid for taking him there. If he knew my past, maybe he’d see things differently, but I was delusional if I thought anything about my life was going to impress him. Money and family lineage could be a complete deal breaker when it came to Landon. I may be nothing more than a challenging hookup. I never fit into his world then, and I didn’t know why I was naïve thinking I could fit into it now. There were tons of women out there that would be more compatible to his lifestyle. I let out a silent sigh, missing my fuck it confidence.

  “Hey.” He tilted my chin up so I could look at him. “I didn’t mean to offend you. I just can’t picture you living there is all. Maybe this makes me an asshole, but you’re so much better than that place.”

  “And that’s where we’re different, Landon. I am no better than anyone else that lives there and neither are you. A home is what you make of it, and everyone that lives there is just trying to survive. Just like I was.”

  I was pretty certain I’d just ruined all my chances with Landon and questioned if it was for the best. Once we pulled up to our second destination we sat there in silence. I thought about jumping out of the car before he kicked me out, but instead he smiled and grabbed my hand. “Come on, beautiful, I’m not done with you yet.” He tried to smooth things over with flirting and I decided I’d let him.

  I’m sitting across the room from him. He’s looking right through me as if my heart isn’t beating and my face is bland enough it blends into the brick wall. I wonder how many times he’s looked at me but never actually saw my face?

  We stood in front of my apartment, an old, brick, industrial-style complex. My street was filled with renovated historic buildings, a small bookstore, and a coffee shop across the street that made the best hot chocolate. I’d never admit this to anyone, but that was one of the reasons I chose this apartment over the others. My building had one main entrance with wrought iron doors and an intercom system to buzz in tenants and visitors. Once you walked inside there was a flight of stairs with a thick metal banister that led up the center with three levels of apartments on each side. Top floor on the right was mine.

  I swung open the door after unlocking all of the deadbolts—four to be exact. “Welcome to my home.”

  Landon walked in quietly with a grin and hung up his coat. He was comfortable enough to flip on the lights and removed his tie completely, tucking it into his coat pocket.

  “I think this building used to be an illegal brewery and speak easy back in the 1920s.” I threw my keys on the coffee table. “I like old buildings with history behind them. Like every wall could tell stories.”

  “Could you give me a tour?” His eyes wandered around the room, taking everything in. My apartment had an odd bohemian eclectic style. I wasn’t sure if it was by choice or a happy accident, but every time June and I bought something it was from a thrift store or somewhere unique. Rich in jewel tones, the living room was warm with lots of collected pillows and throws. We joked about how many grandmas it took to make them all. The kitchen was pretty much in the same room, with a vintage fridge and stove that reminded me of the kitchen from I Love Lucy.

  I gave him a quick tour: closet here, balcony there. Our white-tiled bathroom had an old claw-foot tub and a silver antique full-length mirror we found at an estate sale. He seemed to be observing everything in each area, studying it like he would be quizzed on it later.

  The building was old and questionable at times, but we just told ourselves it had great character. I decided to skip showing him my bedroom because the thought of Landon in there might ruin me. I didn’t need an actual visual ingrained in my brain to haunt my every fantasy.

  “This place fits you. I’ve wondered what the inside of your house looks like, but I could never really picture it. And now that I’ve seen it, I couldn’t imagine it looking like anything else.” He closed the space between us as we stood in the living room.

  I didn’t know if his admission of thoughts were too forthcoming. He’d thought about what the inside of my house looked like and it excited me more than I found it strange.

  “How long have you lived here?”

  “Just barely,” I managed to say. His body was close to mine; I could feel its warmth and smell the musky winter air on his clothes.

  “June and I had both been trying to pay down our schooling before we committed to anything more expensive in living conditions.” My heart started to pick up its pace. We were talking about my apartment, but with him this close the only thing I could focus on was how soft his lips looked.

  “I can see this place really means a lot to you.” He smiled, tucking his hands in his suit pants’ pockets, looking around once more.

  “Yeah, it does. It’s what we’ve worked so hard for. I know it’s not a lot, but it’s ours. We’ve been collecting things since we moved to Salt Lake; it’s nice to finally have a place to put it all. Most of it had been in Austin’s garage.”

  Landon noticed something and turned toward the fireplace. He walked closer stopping in front of a shelf with a bunch of framed photographs on it.

  I watched his eyes take in the pictures. I’d been waiting for this moment all night. It was what I had planned. I knew he’d recognize June … he had to. I walked toward him nervously as he pulled his ha
nd out of his pocket finally picking up the photo.

  “That’s my best friend and roommate, Katrina June Ellis. I’m hoping you recognize her.”

  “How could I not?” he said in a strange choked whisper, his fingers clenching on the frame.

  “I’ve avoided you since that day in the parking lot, Landon, but I have good reasons why.” Suddenly I felt ashamed again of who I was; I didn’t think I’d ever shake that curse. “June and I ran away from Aspen. I went to Aspen Hills High. I wouldn’t expect you to remember me, but I knew you would recognize Katrina since you grew up together.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” His voice was angry as he digested my confession.

  “Because I didn’t want you to know. I never expected for us to become friends. My last name was Grant; I changed it to Smith when I left Aspen. I chose the most common last name in the United States for a reason.”

  “Friends? Is that what we’re becoming? Friends?” he said sharply as he sat the picture down and turned toward me, the expression on his face unreadable.

  “Landon, do you recognize my name or have any idea who I am?” He stared at me hard, looking over my features. “It doesn’t hurt my feelings if you don’t remember me. It means I succeeded. I wanted to be a ghost in high school. June was my only exception.”

  “Why?” As he said the word it seemed to ask a million more questions.

  I traced my fingertips along my tattoo, worried about everything that would be said next. “I’m not very good at talking about my past. That’s why it’s practically a mystery to everyone. I started over when I came to Salt Lake. Never in a million years did I think I would ever see you again.”

  “How long did you live in Aspen?” he asked.

  “Three and a half years.”

  “And you went to Aspen Hills High School?”

  “Yes, I actually graduated in your class.”

  He winced painfully at my words. “And how did you meet June?”

  I bit my lip debating the revelation of details, so I simply said, “I found her crying in the bathroom after Ashley drenched her in soda pop. I’m sure you remember that day.” My words were a bit sharper than I had intended, which made him grind his perfect teeth.